Dear Santa (Rough Copy)

Wha  gwan, bredren? I trust you're well. I mean, how could you of all people not be? Any guy with a wife who is constantly associated with three "ho's" can't be doing that bad. Anyways, I figured I'd throw my letter to you in the mail a little earlier than usual so you get a good chance to read it. Not that the PS3 you got me last year wasn't cool & all, but I used only that once.
And to be honest, I cut that session short to watch 'Jersey Shore'. I mean, c'mon son! I haven't been an avid gamer since elementary school. What list have you been checking? So here's my list of demands Christmas wishes for this year. Anything you can help me out with will be appreciated. Anything useless will be sold for textbook money.

For starters, if you can give my favourite teams the gifts of winning seasons, I'd be eternally grateful. Yes, I'm aware that you're not the guy who usually deals with miracles. However, stressing that guy on his birthday could been seen as disrespectful & there's already a good chance I wasn't getting invited to his place upon my eventual demise. The city of Toronto would enjoy that too.

Some academic success would be nice, but since that all depends on my own personal performance I won't ask for that. Should you be able to supply me with performance enhancing drugs though, the gesture would be welcome. Making it to the day where I earn my degree would be freedom one of the greatest gifts I would ever have the opportunity to receive.

Finally, well, I'll skip to the big one. Material things don't really do it for me anymore. Stuff is always nice, but I think we can agree that love is what's important. I mean, that explains the wife & three "ho's", right? But am I even allowed to ask for Ms. Right & I to be brought closer together. Man, who am I kidding? Let's act like the hood dudes I know we both are. How do you feel about kidnapping this chick for me? Regardless, I think we all deserve some of that Christmas magic that the commercials are always going on about. Although if love isn't available, material stuff would be acceptable. Medium sized shirts, 30 around the waist, 11 on the feet & I like purple.

In conclusion, I'd like to wish you & your crew a safe trip this year. Send my love to everyone over on your end. Remind the elves that they shouldn't worry; my people had to overcome slavery too. Hopefully everyone is on that "Good" list of yours & the chimneys have been cleaned for you. Side-note: If you want black cake instead of cookies this year, I can make that happen. You need to chill on my lait de poule though. Thanks for everything you've given us all over the years & as always, feel free to pass by my house last. I'm not in a hurry for gifts, unless they're THAT good. Keep on spreading the good vibes, Santa. We appreciate you, even though we may not show you all year.


  1. EVIL KARMIC FORCES12/05/2010

    hahahahahahahahahahah LOVE IT.


    This is the best letter EVER.

    So this was what you were writing when all your mates (excluding me) were sleeping.