Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University
announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though
the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve
thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense
of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds)
becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at
its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a
defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla
would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a
game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to
counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it
clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?
What's the harm in letting the gorilla play? After all, it has vowed to not intentionally injure an opposing player. If the equipment can be made to fit it, I'd be willing to let it play. Plus, let's be honest here, the Raiders could use just about all the help they could get these days. A "super-gorilla" would probably fit right in with that crowd anyways.
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